Hurricane of Thoughts

Once again, I am here because writing already feels too slow for my hurricane of thoughts. I feel a huge rage inside me that I can't control, I am suppressing it as much as I cannot let it out, but sometimes it is stronger than me. 

I am thankful that I still have the sanity not to do stupid things like face people who are hurting me, and I know that I am hurting myself because of the attachment I feel so fast when I start to feel comfortable with someone. 

I wonder how is it possible that again I wanted to trust and something inside me tells me the opposite, again I didn't want to believe in what I felt, labeling myself as crazy, distrustful, and intense. But, when madness comes to me to total explosion and I discover that my intuition was right, I cannot stop with the anxiety of knowing that something was telling me.

Now, how do I continue, or more sensibly, how do I end it? I feel disappointed, and disillusioned, I feel that they played with me, but none of that could affect me if I do not let it, unfortunately, I am letting it out and feeling it until my core, I look serene on the outside, but inside there is a fire that had long not come out, was this a test of life? Why did I not leave it when I should have? Why did I not listen to my intuitions? 

I want to stop feeling the sensation of something sharp cutting me slowly. I don't understand why people can't be sincere, why do they have to lie to you to get you to be there, why not risk a mutual agreement between two people? 

There is a phrase that I like, that says, let me know if you are going to play, so I can have fun too. You are right, that way things are clear, and the moment someone starts to feel something else, it's over. Those messages of good morning, good night, how was your day, and those little details that usually you don't send to friends, they get to you, they win you over, especially when they are daily during some time, coexistence makes the damn attachment.

I try to meditate, to analyze my feelings and the emotions that some situations have provoked me, however, it is very difficult when things come out of the blue.

I lost my mind yesterday and got carried away with my emotions, and I thank a friend for at least being there to let me explode and vomit all my feelings to her. It's not her responsibility to tell me what to do, I wish she would speak up and give her opinion sometimes, but she chooses to keep it to herself and that's okay, I guess I have to figure it out for myself. Maybe this is what we should do, just listen and keep our opinions to ourselves.

I have other pending matters that I should attend to, like, for example, that I have to make a decision now if I leave or stay with the other job. On one hand, being in the hotel is comfortable, it is isolated, and it is my cave, my safe place, and my adopted family. I have a daily and weekly income. I have physical activity for 8 hours a day, I have a restaurant there, I have my house already, I live 10 minutes from my work and I have a car.

I live (thank God) in a village near the sea, in the jungle, in Mexico. What more can I ask from life? Well, I have an idea that I would like to have a partner, a life partner, a lover, a person who makes me feel and makes me feel safe, committed, and affectionate. I wish I could find him, but I guess it won't come until I learn to love people without attachment, I think I still have that huge need to be loved by someone, that lack of affection that I don't understand why I feel it. It's the one that doesn't let me move forward in my relationships, I'm acting like a psychopath and I completely reject the idea of having a behavior like yesterday, screaming and letting the emotions out in the open. Not by repressing them, but by taking things simple, as my therapist says.

That part is the hard part, difficult (but not impossible, I know), I like so much the fact of being able to get my emotions out and not having them stuck inside me, but that same fact makes me feel everything on the surface and I punish myself too much, I want to learn to take the simple things, calmly and just focus on me.

I want to talk nicely to myself, I want to feel good, I want to feel loved and surrounded by people who appreciate me as much as I appreciate them. I want a reciprocal world. So, I guess it's time to start with me.

Xx,

Gre ❤

June 24th, 2021. (Second Part)

I have one more task to do from my therapy, which is somewhat complicated, I have been with her for about 7 months, and I have changed a lot if I look at my journey, however, the more time passes and the more you polish and change the way of seeing life and how to react to difficult situations, I have realized that the work of consciousness that is done concerning oneself is harder and harder. Like, for example, mistrust, is my subject to deal with. Quite a difficult topic for me because of all the life lessons I carry from the past. 

I had the "great" idea of making a list of all the men I had slept with to see how many I will have by the end of my life (such a silly thing to do), but, after a while, I started to take it very seriously, to that degree of psychological self-destruction, I got. 

I think that's where the feeling of guilt, shame, humiliation, and punishment comes from. I felt empty, drained, and gray. That's how I went to London, that energy I carried, that's how I met him, the one who locked me in a room and the love he said he had for me was only within 4 walls. I got used to being alone in public to be faithful to him, so that even though I wasn't with him, people wouldn't see me with anyone, to keep it a secret, but at the same time, I envied couples who could walk holding hands without feeling ashamed to be seen giving each other signs of affection.

After that toxic relationship, I started another one too (if one wasn't enough), and I was with both of them simultaneously. A 20-year-old, married, with children, and my twin flame (that's how I call him), a 25-year-old, single, without children, but an only son. For the first one, I was his mistress. For the second one, I was his "while I find something else", always in the last place. And that's also where I put myself too, for allowing myself to be treated that way.

Now I realize clearly that there is nothing more important than me, than my own body, my soul, my feelings, I like to be well and feel well, I don't want anything to disturb my inner peace, and that work that has cost me to make me aware of many things to let them go as soon as they happen.

To continue...

Xx

Gre. ❤